Thursday, July 3, 2008

I received an e-mail yesterday, that completely broke my heart all the while opening my eyes to a reality I was refusing to face. Death. Clearly, being twenty-one years old, I know that death is an unavoidable part of the life cycle, taking from us that of which we care most - our loved ones. The e-mail I received referred to the dash between a birth date and death date on a tombstone...that this dash was our life lived between those dates, and then went on to point out how important it is to live your life, love your life - love the ones around you, let grudges go.

I believe I have the world record for holding a grudge. From the time of being a child, most likely around the age of 7 or 8, I formed a grudge against one of the people I truly love the dad. Although still young, the disease of alcoholism consumed him, slowly trying to corrupt my happiness as well. It succeeded on numerous occassions. I've written posts in the past, describing the anger and hurt I have held inside for all of these, due to the disease my father battles with each and every day...but I don't believe I've ever written about how amazing a man my dad really is.

He is smart - Dad can give you a logical, composed answer for nearly any question you shoot at him. It still amazes me how much information he retains; he is like a sponge, just soaking it up. I used to think I was so clever, thinking up "complicated" math equations for him to solve. Within seconds I had the correct answer I had spent so much time calculatin on paper, where as he simply pulled it out of his brain.
He is strong - both physically and emotionally, I will forever depend on my Dad for his strength. Not only is he handy for when that stubborn jar refuses to open...he is my personal kleenex box. Many of his shirts have seen the storm my tears create, yet he simply would sit there and hug me. The first time one of my loved ones passed away, I felt as though my world was ending - how could it be? As I layed in bed, soaking my pillow case with snot and tears, Dad came in, sat on the floor next to the bed and explained with patience the why's, and what he believed happened after death. He stayed with me until I fell asleep, and was right there when I woke up and realized it was all still true. To this day, after 21 years, he is still there. Solid as ever, patient as always.
He is thoughtful - I could have been the cruelest bitch to him, and if he thought I would enjoy something, needed comforting, my favorite snack would then be in the car would be fixed...I would have a new toy. Not simply with me though - My father takes care of everybody. He turns away no favor asked, forgets no favor done for him. His heart, is amazingly large, and I completely take advantage.

I have been angry and hurt - I still am angry and hurt. There are things my father says, does, thinks...that I will always be bewildered by. I still become enraged over his drinking, and I don't appreciate the way he handles situations, or speaks to my mother. Regardless of the negativity, I love him with every ounce of me. The e-mail I previously referred to, had been from him, and it broke my heart to think...I don't tell him that I love him even close to how much I really do. If he were to die tomorrow...and that thought immediately brings an abundance of tears to well in my eyes...would he know that I cherish him? Would he know that I would be lost with out him? I fear everyday of losing him. My dad's addictive personality has given him two of the worst bad habbits, and my mind is plagued with the thought that they might be what kills him.

I put on a strong front, and I will say my dad and I don't have a close relationship due to his drinking...and that is the truth. We're not as close as I wish we could be. Putting that aside, I look up to my father. I depend on his presence to re-assure myself that I'm safe, that everything is going to be o.k. The forward he sent everyone as a "in case you hadn't though about it", not only made me think, but opened my eyes to the fact that life is too short, and the people surrounding me are too precious.

I love you, Dad...just in case you didn't know.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I could see straight into the house across the road - a light embrace before the lights were turned out, the couple turning in for the night.

I adjusted the sheer curtain so that I could see out the window, feel the breeze whisper through the open screen. Crawling in to bed, the cold cotton floated around my legs...a sensation I look forward to each night. i rested my head on the plush pillow, facing the sky. There is no moon tonight, and I try lose myself in the mixture of velvety blue and swirls of grey cloud. Rolling into a more comfortable position, my left arm falls across the empty space next to me. An overwhelming feeling of loneliness washed over me. I quickly push it away. It isn't often I feel this way, and perhaps that is why the emotion comes on so strongly. Regardless, I fight it...never quite ridding myself of the longing for someone elses company. I close my eyes, hoping the darkness will soother me, lull me to sleep. I wait a minute, then two - nothing. I am wide awake and haunted.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Blah. That's my word of the describes the weather, my job, my mood, everything. Just, blah. Nothing appeals to me these days...all I want to do is crawl in to bed and forget that there is a world out there. Why do I feel this way? That's the questions I've been asking myself since last week....why?? I don't have the finest idea what has gotten in to me, because up until a couple of days ago, I was having one of the best summers ever! Things were going to plan, everything was happy, care free - FUN! Then, like the blink of an eye, it seemed to disappear. It's natural for me to panic, or over think situations because I'm lame that way....but I feel as though I've lost connection with my most favorite people, and I don't know how to get it back. Things are awkward.
Lately, I've been looking back on the last couple years of my life thinking, I've made the right decisions by moving on from people in my past. The question that plagues me though, is when will I find the people that I will never have to move on from? Obviously, there will always be characters in the soap opera I live through day to day, that will come and go...but isn't there going to be anyone who just stays put...who I will always be able to depend on? Yikes - I'm feeling rather insecure...never blog while insecure. Then again, if I followed that rule...I wouldn't have posted my first blog.

Monday, May 26, 2008

during my high school years, i was notorious for being the party girl, who didn't have a care in the world, and would do anything after a couple of drinks. after leaving high school, i, thankfully, quickly grew out of feeling the need to continuously impress others and simply began to live my life as i chose to, when i chose to, how i chose to. i am still the same girl, but have begun drinking and partying heavily again, making one or two not-so-good decisions. i completely adore all of the new people that have come in to my life, and how each of them has a different impact on me from the other....but i fear that if I continue with the on going good-times vibe of this, then I will end up back in the days that I was 17, crying because of the horrible things I had done while under the influence.

I witnessed a relationship break up, solely to due being intoxicated and not making the judgement call that maybe this isn't such a good idea. thankfully, i didn't personally have anything to do with this particular situation, but again, am afraid that if i continue at the speed i'm set at, cruising down this road, eventually i am going to meet that wall, and crash head first.

so - my decision here would be, leave these new people, these new friends, and go back to being lonely, bored and unhappy and have a guarantee of staying out of trouble....or, stick around, have the time of my life, and see what happens, risking the possibility of awakening the spirit of the crazy girl that lives inside of me. 

oh..the dilemma's of being twenty...

Friday, May 2, 2008

Listening to Purple Rain, I walked to work through the gloomy air of the day. As the lyrics poored through my senses, I was overcome with a feeling of remorse, causing tears to well in my eyes. Feeling ridiculous, I blinked them away quickly and held my head a little higher. Three years ago, this time of year, I broke the heart of someone I truly cared about, and know that I will never forgive myself for the way I treated him. If it had been a simple break up do to feelings no longer felt, I doubt I would be thinking of him today. Unfortunately, due to my extreme immaturity at the time and an outlook on life that was severely selfish, I was unfaithful to him in the worst kind of way. I did not sleep with anyone else, but other incidents occured, and I think it would have been easier on him if I had just slept with someone else. I was a bitch in high school, and at times prided myself on that. Not with him. Not with this. The day he found out; the hope of hearing this wasn't true, mixed with raw agony floated in his teared eyes. I, could no longer lie. I felt as though my world had suddenly crashed around my feet, apologizing as if the 'repeat' button had been pressed. While at the time my actions, my decisions, seemed careless and wild - now I could see were disgustingly tragic.
Although he and I are great friends today, it took us a very long time to get here. He has said it's forgotten, but I refuse to forget. I'm ashamed that within these past three years, I have not taken the time to apologize, just once more, in fear that it would cause our friendship to crumble. Now, because of how we are together, if I were to bring it up, he would think I was still in love with him. The thought of that actually makes me would have to know to him to understand. In a way, because of who he is, I do love him. I would do anything for him, although I think it's hard for him to know that sometimes. I will carry my guilt forever, in my mind and heart; but I am not complaining. If guilt is all I suffer after what I have done, then I am lucky.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

So far, so good.

I finally kicked my lazy personality to the curb and am living and eating healthier. Although it may seem I am starting out slow, making only minor changes - to me, these are HUGE changes in my day to day routine. Instead of sleeping in until the absolute last possible moment before having to get up and go to work, I am now out of bed by 6:20am. I walk the dogs for half an hour, then return home to get ready for work.

I have also changed my eating habits!! This, I won't lie, has been the hardest to accomplish. Being a snacker, a nibbler...I had very bad habits of eating constently through out the day, choosing the not-so-healthy options. As of yesterday, I am following a meal plan suited for my appropriate calorie intake and only eat what is specified for each day.

Getting started on this was a little discouraging, because as part of figuring out your meal plan, you have to enter in information such as your age, height and weight. In return you are given your BMI (Body Mass Index) and what your calorie intake should be to maintain this weight. I was quite upset by the fact that, being over weight...I'm accounted for as "obese" under the eyes of the Ministry of Health. AWESOME........ Regardless, I sucked it up and continued forward, dragging my mum and sister along with me!! I don't know how serious they have taken any of this, but I have made a vow to myself to stick to it - and I plan to. I will say though, it's rather easy...almost too easy. The most tedious part, is preparing your meals, because you have to actually weigh and measure all your portions. But in the end, it's worth it. Well, I hope it will be worth it!

I aimed for a meal plan designed for lower calorie in take, in hopes to lose weight, not maintain the one I'm currently carrying. As I said, it has only been one day...only 13 left to go. From what I can see and how I feel, I am completely satisfied. The meal plan allows for three meals a day, with morning, afternoon and evening snack. Of course, I am eating much less than what I was taking in before, but can already feel myself adjusting. And, if I feel those "hunger" pains in between snacks or meals, I chug down some water and fill the whole. Keep your fingers crossed for me...I'm looking for a whole new Sarah!

Friday, April 18, 2008

It was 9:55pm, and I was driving home from school with both my car windows rolled all the way down. This...this is what I love. Always expecting a cooler air as I emerge from the stuffy halls of my school, last night I was greeted with a pleasant, warmer breeze. Getting into my car, I took the long way home, enjoying the solitary drive. As I went further east, home to Ajax, I could feel the air become cooler as I drove further towards the lake. It reminded me so much of those wonderful nights up north....

The cool breeze drifts over the lake, and through my window, carrying the scent of true fresh air. I lay in the dark with a smile upon my face, listening to the rain pitter patter against the aluminum eavesdrop. After this past week, I am glad to be away of the stress induced city. The cottage, although somewhat boring during the less exotic seasons, always brings a sense of peace within myself that I find to be so refreshing. I am drifting into sleep; a sleep I know will be the best I've had for month.

Another week has gone by, and it has been no less stressful than the last. Sadly, I do not have the cottage to escape to. Having spent all of last weekend up north, detached from the technology obsessed society that, I myself, have become addicted to, I found that it was rather refreshing! Relaxed with my thoughts, I realized I had lost about 4 inches of self confidence after having cut my hair a few weeks ago. Yet, at the same time, this same cut has empowered me with the want for change - serious change. I have finally weeded out all of the people in my life who were bringing me down, only surrounding myself with those who I truly respect, trust, and admire. It is these people - life long friends, close family members and relatives - that help me stay true to who I am, and who I want to be. I will always have doubts about myself, and I will always make mistake - as will all of us - but I know, at the end of the day, these people I hold so dear in my hear, are the ones who will still love me at the end of the day. This thought...this fact...has brought such uplifting confidence within myself, that I feel I can conquer anything!

Now..haha...let's just see if I stick to it!!!!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

The Harmonizer

LIBRA - The Harmonizer
Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible.

I received a chain letter in my inbox, listing all the attributes of each Zodiac sign. Myself, being a born late in September, am a Libra. Although I read my horoscope everyday, it is very, very rare to find it coinciding with my day to day life! That being said, you can imagine how surprised I was to find that every quality listed under Libra matched my personality to a "T". Some were obvious, such as very social, flirtatious, and procastinator...but there were also some that made me stop and think "Huh, I am, aren't I?" Qualities like hates to be alone, and that I give in too easily were not things I would have associated with Sarah Spiller before. The one attribute I did not see in myself was being very gullible, as I tend to be highly apprehensive about everything and everyone I come across. Other compliments like "very loving and beautiful" had me brushing past them, as it is my nature to disagree with anything positive said towards me. Regardless, reading the quick discription of the Libra made me appreciate who I am for ME, which is a very rare occurence. This helped me realize that I can be who I truly am, and that I don't have to conform to anyone else's likes, dislikes... I have always stated "Love me, or hate me I am never going to change" I think that it is about time I start to live up to my own moto!

Monday, March 31, 2008

The cold breeze rustled the sheer curtains covering my window, carrying in the smell of rain. The smell of spring. Damp and musty, you can feel the earth soak it in, as if parched after the long winter. I stand at the window for a moment, overlooking my almost complete neighborhood - I am happy here. I turn off the music that would usually accompany me to sleep and leave checking my e-mail until the morning. All lights turned off, I crawl into my cool bed and lie in the dark, listening to the sweet song of rain. The roof of a car, the aluminum eavesdrop, the pile of wood at the curb, are natures instruments creating a beat so peaceful, I struggle to stay awake and listen.
Lying there, I think of all the amazing people in my life, and how these last couple of weeks I have been ecstatic! Being someone who finds it very easy to pick out my personal flaws and then beat myself over them, or remind myself of past occurences that I will never stop feeling guilt over, it has never been easy to truly feel happy. And although I can still see those flaws, still feel the guilt, I push them aside and have decided it best to enjoy life now, and worry about the negatives later. Of course, knowing me, something will happen within the next 48 hours causing me to completely change my current outlook...but if I can enjoy today, enjoy how I feel now, then the rest just doens't seem all that bad.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

I stood at my window, looking at nothing in particular, wondering "Why does it have to be this way?" Dad has just come home from being at the cottage after deciding not to take part in our annual Good Friday festivities. Down the stairs, the replay button has been pressed on my parents favorite argument -if my life were a musical, this would be the main chorus. It is hard carrying the feelings that I do towards my father - I completely disapprove of everything he represents, yet at the same time, my greatest fear is for him to leave me forever. I hold my breath each time something upsets him, praying that it won't be what packs his bags. I am twenty years old and yet think that if I am on my best behavior, everything will be o.k.

Despite the everyday drama, the rest of my weekend was FABULOUS! Saturday night was filled with loud music, flashing lights, loads of drinks and great friends. After multiple cancelations, Sara and I finally made it our to the bar together, and I hope that it isn't nearly as long a wait until the next time we get downtown. Last night was again, full of old friends. While a small group of us huddled together in the cold stands of the arena, the rest playfully harassed each other on the ice. As we caught up on each other's lives, I couldn't help but smile. Looking around, I took it all in and appreciated our bond just a little bit more. Some of these faces, I knew, would be sitting at my wedding, and I theirs. We are a family - high disfunctional, yes - but none the less, a family, and no matter where we all are in life, we will always be there for each other. It is the most comforting feeling I have ever experienced. I love my frenchies. :)

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

my family is slowly unravelling at the seams. after having a great night out with some old friends, i get home to find out my father has been ranting about nonesense again...this time coming to the conclusion that he no longer wants any part of our lives. obviously, nobody's life is perfect, and parents do split up. for the most part, i think i'm actually more surprised (and thankful!) that my parents have stayed together as long as they have. you see, my dad is an alcoholic; a crazy drunk. not including the aggravations my mum experienced before my siblings and i were born, we have had some pretty rough years dealing with his disease. through it all there were many, what seemed at the time, threats that he would pack up and leave. i will forever remember one in specific. i was four, my brother only dad came in to our rooms late into the night...or maybe it was early in the morning...and asked us if we wanted to go for a car ride. wanting only to spend time with my dad, and even at such a young age, understand why he was so sad, we got into the car bundled in our pj's and blankies. slowly drifting in out of sleep, the three of us drove around the streets of scarborough snuggled in to the front seat of my dad's prized crown vic. it was no until i had heard my father crying, that i realized we had stopped. crawling into his lap, i whispered it was time to go home. we sat together for a while, but eventually returned home and were tucked in tight.
that was the first, and last time i recall my dad ever leaving...or attempting to anyways. he is a man who rarely shares his thoughts or worries. he has so much bouncing off the walls of his brain, i often wonder how he hasn't simply drove himself nuts. for him, i think that the drink is his escape, or attempt to escape what is on his mind. there is no excuse, of course, for his actions. although he has never layed a hand on any of us, there are words that have been said, promises broken that have forever scarred my easily bruised heart. i want to love him with out any reservations, but trying to understand him, his disease, his thought process sometimes makes me crazier than he is at his worst.
my mum confided in me with this new information. after all the kids had left, he dropped his "decision" like a ticking bomb into her lap. apparently, he has said many things along these same lines in the past...and my mum feels he is just trying to clear his head of what he knows is nonesense. she has a thick skin my mum...she's been through alot, and i love her to death for what she has put up with over the past 25 years, just so her kids would have a 'whole' home. i would do anything to protect her, from any challenge or confrontation. she doesn't need to fight anymore.
as much as i detest my father, i never want him to leave. i love him...he is my daddy. there are two forms of loss...losing a parent through divorce, or losing them through death. because of the wedge that is constantly being shoved between us, losing my father to divorce, or seperation, would be torture. on his own, the disease would only progress, pushing me further away. knowing he was out there, but that i never saw him would kill me slowly from the inside out.
i have to keep my happy face on....keep a strong front for my sister. for someone who doesn't have much faith in the man upstairs, i am praying we make it through this.