Monday, May 26, 2008

during my high school years, i was notorious for being the party girl, who didn't have a care in the world, and would do anything after a couple of drinks. after leaving high school, i, thankfully, quickly grew out of feeling the need to continuously impress others and simply began to live my life as i chose to, when i chose to, how i chose to. i am still the same girl, but have begun drinking and partying heavily again, making one or two not-so-good decisions. i completely adore all of the new people that have come in to my life, and how each of them has a different impact on me from the other....but i fear that if I continue with the on going good-times vibe of this, then I will end up back in the days that I was 17, crying because of the horrible things I had done while under the influence.

I witnessed a relationship break up, solely to due being intoxicated and not making the judgement call that maybe this isn't such a good idea. thankfully, i didn't personally have anything to do with this particular situation, but again, am afraid that if i continue at the speed i'm set at, cruising down this road, eventually i am going to meet that wall, and crash head first.

so - my decision here would be, leave these new people, these new friends, and go back to being lonely, bored and unhappy and have a guarantee of staying out of trouble....or, stick around, have the time of my life, and see what happens, risking the possibility of awakening the spirit of the crazy girl that lives inside of me. 

oh..the dilemma's of being twenty...

Friday, May 2, 2008

Listening to Purple Rain, I walked to work through the gloomy air of the day. As the lyrics poored through my senses, I was overcome with a feeling of remorse, causing tears to well in my eyes. Feeling ridiculous, I blinked them away quickly and held my head a little higher. Three years ago, this time of year, I broke the heart of someone I truly cared about, and know that I will never forgive myself for the way I treated him. If it had been a simple break up do to feelings no longer felt, I doubt I would be thinking of him today. Unfortunately, due to my extreme immaturity at the time and an outlook on life that was severely selfish, I was unfaithful to him in the worst kind of way. I did not sleep with anyone else, but other incidents occured, and I think it would have been easier on him if I had just slept with someone else. I was a bitch in high school, and at times prided myself on that. Not with him. Not with this. The day he found out; the hope of hearing this wasn't true, mixed with raw agony floated in his teared eyes. I, could no longer lie. I felt as though my world had suddenly crashed around my feet, apologizing as if the 'repeat' button had been pressed. While at the time my actions, my decisions, seemed careless and wild - now I could see were disgustingly tragic.
Although he and I are great friends today, it took us a very long time to get here. He has said it's forgotten, but I refuse to forget. I'm ashamed that within these past three years, I have not taken the time to apologize, just once more, in fear that it would cause our friendship to crumble. Now, because of how we are together, if I were to bring it up, he would think I was still in love with him. The thought of that actually makes me would have to know to him to understand. In a way, because of who he is, I do love him. I would do anything for him, although I think it's hard for him to know that sometimes. I will carry my guilt forever, in my mind and heart; but I am not complaining. If guilt is all I suffer after what I have done, then I am lucky.