I could see straight into the house across the road - a light embrace before the lights were turned out, the couple turning in for the night.

I adjusted the sheer curtain so that I could see out the window, feel the breeze whisper through the open screen. Crawling in to bed, the cold cotton floated around my legs...a sensation I look forward to each night. i rested my head on the plush pillow, facing the sky. There is no moon tonight, and I try lose myself in the mixture of velvety blue and swirls of grey cloud. Rolling into a more comfortable position, my left arm falls across the empty space next to me. An overwhelming feeling of loneliness washed over me. I quickly push it away. It isn't often I feel this way, and perhaps that is why the emotion comes on so strongly. Regardless, I fight it...never quite ridding myself of the longing for someone elses company. I close my eyes, hoping the darkness will soother me, lull me to sleep. I wait a minute, then two - nothing. I am wide awake and haunted.

Blah. That's my word of the day...it describes the weather, my job, my mood, everything. Just, blah. Nothing appeals to me these days...all I want to do is crawl in to bed and forget that there is a world out there. Why do I feel this way? That's the questions I've been asking myself since last week....why?? I don't have the finest idea what has gotten in to me, because up until a couple of days ago, I was having one of the best summers ever! Things were going to plan, everything was happy, care free - FUN! Then, like the blink of an eye, it seemed to disappear. It's natural for me to panic, or over think situations because I'm lame that way....but I feel as though I've lost connection with my most favorite people, and I don't know how to get it back. Things are awkward.
Lately, I've been looking back on the last couple years of my life thinking, I've made the right decisions by moving on from people in my past. The question that plagues me though, is when will I find the people that I will never have to move on from? Obviously, there will always be characters in the soap opera I live through day to day, that will come and go...but isn't there going to be anyone who just stays put...who I will always be able to depend on? Yikes - I'm feeling rather insecure...never blog while insecure. Then again, if I followed that rule...I wouldn't have posted my first blog.

during my high school years, i was notorious for being the party girl, who didn't have a care in the world, and would do anything after a couple of drinks. after leaving high school, i, thankfully, quickly grew out of feeling the need to continuously impress others and simply began to live my life as i chose to, when i chose to, how i chose to. i am still the same girl, but have begun drinking and partying heavily again, making one or two not-so-good decisions. i completely adore all of the new people that have come in to my life, and how each of them has a different impact on me from the other....but i fear that if I continue with the on going good-times vibe of this, then I will end up back in the days that I was 17, crying because of the horrible things I had done while under the influence.

I witnessed a relationship break up, solely to due being intoxicated and not making the judgement call that maybe this isn't such a good idea. thankfully, i didn't personally have anything to do with this particular situation, but again, am afraid that if i continue at the speed i'm set at, cruising down this road, eventually i am going to meet that wall, and crash head first.

so - my decision here would be, leave these new people, these new friends, and go back to being lonely, bored and unhappy and have a guarantee of staying out of trouble....or, stick around, have the time of my life, and see what happens, risking the possibility of awakening the spirit of the crazy girl that lives inside of me. 

oh..the dilemma's of being twenty...

Listening to Purple Rain, I walked to work through the gloomy air of the day. As the lyrics poored through my senses, I was overcome with a feeling of remorse, causing tears to well in my eyes. Feeling ridiculous, I blinked them away quickly and held my head a little higher. Three years ago, this time of year, I broke the heart of someone I truly cared about, and know that I will never forgive myself for the way I treated him. If it had been a simple break up do to feelings no longer felt, I doubt I would be thinking of him today. Unfortunately, due to my extreme immaturity at the time and an outlook on life that was severely selfish, I was unfaithful to him in the worst kind of way. I did not sleep with anyone else, but other incidents occured, and I think it would have been easier on him if I had just slept with someone else. I was a bitch in high school, and at times prided myself on that. Not with him. Not with this. The day he found out; the hope of hearing this wasn't true, mixed with raw agony floated in his teared eyes. I, could no longer lie. I felt as though my world had suddenly crashed around my feet, apologizing as if the 'repeat' button had been pressed. While at the time my actions, my decisions, seemed careless and wild - now I could see were disgustingly tragic.
Although he and I are great friends today, it took us a very long time to get here. He has said it's forgotten, but I refuse to forget. I'm ashamed that within these past three years, I have not taken the time to apologize, just once more, in fear that it would cause our friendship to crumble. Now, because of how we are together, if I were to bring it up, he would think I was still in love with him. The thought of that actually makes me smile...you would have to know to him to understand. In a way, because of who he is, I do love him. I would do anything for him, although I think it's hard for him to know that sometimes. I will carry my guilt forever, in my mind and heart; but I am not complaining. If guilt is all I suffer after what I have done, then I am lucky.

So far, so good.

I finally kicked my lazy personality to the curb and am living and eating healthier. Although it may seem I am starting out slow, making only minor changes - to me, these are HUGE changes in my day to day routine. Instead of sleeping in until the absolute last possible moment before having to get up and go to work, I am now out of bed by 6:20am. I walk the dogs for half an hour, then return home to get ready for work.

I have also changed my eating habits!! This, I won't lie, has been the hardest to accomplish. Being a snacker, a nibbler...I had very bad habits of eating constently through out the day, choosing the not-so-healthy options. As of yesterday, I am following a meal plan suited for my appropriate calorie intake and only eat what is specified for each day.

Getting started on this was a little discouraging, because as part of figuring out your meal plan, you have to enter in information such as your age, height and weight. In return you are given your BMI (Body Mass Index) and what your calorie intake should be to maintain this weight. I was quite upset by the fact that, being over weight...I'm accounted for as "obese" under the eyes of the Ministry of Health. AWESOME........ Regardless, I sucked it up and continued forward, dragging my mum and sister along with me!! I don't know how serious they have taken any of this, but I have made a vow to myself to stick to it - and I plan to. I will say though, it's rather easy...almost too easy. The most tedious part, is preparing your meals, because you have to actually weigh and measure all your portions. But in the end, it's worth it. Well, I hope it will be worth it!

I aimed for a meal plan designed for lower calorie in take, in hopes to lose weight, not maintain the one I'm currently carrying. As I said, it has only been one day...only 13 left to go. From what I can see and how I feel, I am completely satisfied. The meal plan allows for three meals a day, with morning, afternoon and evening snack. Of course, I am eating much less than what I was taking in before, but can already feel myself adjusting. And, if I feel those "hunger" pains in between snacks or meals, I chug down some water and fill the whole. Keep your fingers crossed for me...I'm looking for a whole new Sarah!

It was 9:55pm, and I was driving home from school with both my car windows rolled all the way down. This...this is what I love. Always expecting a cooler air as I emerge from the stuffy halls of my school, last night I was greeted with a pleasant, warmer breeze. Getting into my car, I took the long way home, enjoying the solitary drive. As I went further east, home to Ajax, I could feel the air become cooler as I drove further towards the lake. It reminded me so much of those wonderful nights up north....

The cool breeze drifts over the lake, and through my window, carrying the scent of true fresh air. I lay in the dark with a smile upon my face, listening to the rain pitter patter against the aluminum eavesdrop. After this past week, I am glad to be away of the stress induced city. The cottage, although somewhat boring during the less exotic seasons, always brings a sense of peace within myself that I find to be so refreshing. I am drifting into sleep; a sleep I know will be the best I've had for month.

Another week has gone by, and it has been no less stressful than the last. Sadly, I do not have the cottage to escape to. Having spent all of last weekend up north, detached from the technology obsessed society that, I myself, have become addicted to, I found that it was rather refreshing! Relaxed with my thoughts, I realized I had lost about 4 inches of self confidence after having cut my hair a few weeks ago. Yet, at the same time, this same cut has empowered me with the want for change - serious change. I have finally weeded out all of the people in my life who were bringing me down, only surrounding myself with those who I truly respect, trust, and admire. It is these people - life long friends, close family members and relatives - that help me stay true to who I am, and who I want to be. I will always have doubts about myself, and I will always make mistake - as will all of us - but I know, at the end of the day, these people I hold so dear in my hear, are the ones who will still love me at the end of the day. This thought...this fact...has brought such uplifting confidence within myself, that I feel I can conquer anything!

Now..haha...let's just see if I stick to it!!!!

The Harmonizer

LIBRA - The Harmonizer

Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible.

I received a chain letter in my inbox, listing all the attributes of each Zodiac sign. Myself, being a born late in September, am a Libra. Although I read my horoscope everyday, it is very, very rare to find it coinciding with my day to day life! That being said, you can imagine how surprised I was to find that every quality listed under Libra matched my personality to a "T". Some were obvious, such as very social, flirtatious, and procastinator...but there were also some that made me stop and think "Huh, I am, aren't I?" Qualities like hates to be alone, and that I give in too easily were not things I would have associated with Sarah Spiller before. The one attribute I did not see in myself was being very gullible, as I tend to be highly apprehensive about everything and everyone I come across. Other compliments like "very loving and beautiful" had me brushing past them, as it is my nature to disagree with anything positive said towards me. Regardless, reading the quick discription of the Libra made me appreciate who I am for ME, which is a very rare occurence. This helped me realize that I can be who I truly am, and that I don't have to conform to anyone else's likes, dislikes... I have always stated "Love me, or hate me I am never going to change" I think that it is about time I start to live up to my own moto!