So far, so good.

I finally kicked my lazy personality to the curb and am living and eating healthier. Although it may seem I am starting out slow, making only minor changes - to me, these are HUGE changes in my day to day routine. Instead of sleeping in until the absolute last possible moment before having to get up and go to work, I am now out of bed by 6:20am. I walk the dogs for half an hour, then return home to get ready for work.

I have also changed my eating habits!! This, I won't lie, has been the hardest to accomplish. Being a snacker, a nibbler...I had very bad habits of eating constently through out the day, choosing the not-so-healthy options. As of yesterday, I am following a meal plan suited for my appropriate calorie intake and only eat what is specified for each day.

Getting started on this was a little discouraging, because as part of figuring out your meal plan, you have to enter in information such as your age, height and weight. In return you are given your BMI (Body Mass Index) and what your calorie intake should be to maintain this weight. I was quite upset by the fact that, being over weight...I'm accounted for as "obese" under the eyes of the Ministry of Health. AWESOME........ Regardless, I sucked it up and continued forward, dragging my mum and sister along with me!! I don't know how serious they have taken any of this, but I have made a vow to myself to stick to it - and I plan to. I will say though, it's rather easy...almost too easy. The most tedious part, is preparing your meals, because you have to actually weigh and measure all your portions. But in the end, it's worth it. Well, I hope it will be worth it!

I aimed for a meal plan designed for lower calorie in take, in hopes to lose weight, not maintain the one I'm currently carrying. As I said, it has only been one day...only 13 left to go. From what I can see and how I feel, I am completely satisfied. The meal plan allows for three meals a day, with morning, afternoon and evening snack. Of course, I am eating much less than what I was taking in before, but can already feel myself adjusting. And, if I feel those "hunger" pains in between snacks or meals, I chug down some water and fill the whole. Keep your fingers crossed for me...I'm looking for a whole new Sarah!

It was 9:55pm, and I was driving home from school with both my car windows rolled all the way down. This...this is what I love. Always expecting a cooler air as I emerge from the stuffy halls of my school, last night I was greeted with a pleasant, warmer breeze. Getting into my car, I took the long way home, enjoying the solitary drive. As I went further east, home to Ajax, I could feel the air become cooler as I drove further towards the lake. It reminded me so much of those wonderful nights up north....

The cool breeze drifts over the lake, and through my window, carrying the scent of true fresh air. I lay in the dark with a smile upon my face, listening to the rain pitter patter against the aluminum eavesdrop. After this past week, I am glad to be away of the stress induced city. The cottage, although somewhat boring during the less exotic seasons, always brings a sense of peace within myself that I find to be so refreshing. I am drifting into sleep; a sleep I know will be the best I've had for month.

Another week has gone by, and it has been no less stressful than the last. Sadly, I do not have the cottage to escape to. Having spent all of last weekend up north, detached from the technology obsessed society that, I myself, have become addicted to, I found that it was rather refreshing! Relaxed with my thoughts, I realized I had lost about 4 inches of self confidence after having cut my hair a few weeks ago. Yet, at the same time, this same cut has empowered me with the want for change - serious change. I have finally weeded out all of the people in my life who were bringing me down, only surrounding myself with those who I truly respect, trust, and admire. It is these people - life long friends, close family members and relatives - that help me stay true to who I am, and who I want to be. I will always have doubts about myself, and I will always make mistake - as will all of us - but I know, at the end of the day, these people I hold so dear in my hear, are the ones who will still love me at the end of the day. This thought...this fact...has brought such uplifting confidence within myself, that I feel I can conquer anything!

Now..haha...let's just see if I stick to it!!!!

The Harmonizer

LIBRA - The Harmonizer

Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible.

I received a chain letter in my inbox, listing all the attributes of each Zodiac sign. Myself, being a born late in September, am a Libra. Although I read my horoscope everyday, it is very, very rare to find it coinciding with my day to day life! That being said, you can imagine how surprised I was to find that every quality listed under Libra matched my personality to a "T". Some were obvious, such as very social, flirtatious, and procastinator...but there were also some that made me stop and think "Huh, I am, aren't I?" Qualities like hates to be alone, and that I give in too easily were not things I would have associated with Sarah Spiller before. The one attribute I did not see in myself was being very gullible, as I tend to be highly apprehensive about everything and everyone I come across. Other compliments like "very loving and beautiful" had me brushing past them, as it is my nature to disagree with anything positive said towards me. Regardless, reading the quick discription of the Libra made me appreciate who I am for ME, which is a very rare occurence. This helped me realize that I can be who I truly am, and that I don't have to conform to anyone else's likes, dislikes... I have always stated "Love me, or hate me I am never going to change" I think that it is about time I start to live up to my own moto!

The cold breeze rustled the sheer curtains covering my window, carrying in the smell of rain. The smell of spring. Damp and musty, you can feel the earth soak it in, as if parched after the long winter. I stand at the window for a moment, overlooking my almost complete neighborhood - I am happy here. I turn off the music that would usually accompany me to sleep and leave checking my e-mail until the morning. All lights turned off, I crawl into my cool bed and lie in the dark, listening to the sweet song of rain. The roof of a car, the aluminum eavesdrop, the pile of wood at the curb, are natures instruments creating a beat so peaceful, I struggle to stay awake and listen.
Lying there, I think of all the amazing people in my life, and how these last couple of weeks I have been ecstatic! Being someone who finds it very easy to pick out my personal flaws and then beat myself over them, or remind myself of past occurences that I will never stop feeling guilt over, it has never been easy to truly feel happy. And although I can still see those flaws, still feel the guilt, I push them aside and have decided it best to enjoy life now, and worry about the negatives later. Of course, knowing me, something will happen within the next 48 hours causing me to completely change my current outlook...but if I can enjoy today, enjoy how I feel now, then the rest just doens't seem all that bad.

I stood at my window, looking at nothing in particular, wondering "Why does it have to be this way?" Dad has just come home from being at the cottage after deciding not to take part in our annual Good Friday festivities. Down the stairs, the replay button has been pressed on my parents favorite argument -if my life were a musical, this would be the main chorus. It is hard carrying the feelings that I do towards my father - I completely disapprove of everything he represents, yet at the same time, my greatest fear is for him to leave me forever. I hold my breath each time something upsets him, praying that it won't be what packs his bags. I am twenty years old and yet think that if I am on my best behavior, everything will be o.k.

Despite the everyday drama, the rest of my weekend was FABULOUS! Saturday night was filled with loud music, flashing lights, loads of drinks and great friends. After multiple cancelations, Sara and I finally made it our to the bar together, and I hope that it isn't nearly as long a wait until the next time we get downtown. Last night was again, full of old friends. While a small group of us huddled together in the cold stands of the arena, the rest playfully harassed each other on the ice. As we caught up on each other's lives, I couldn't help but smile. Looking around, I took it all in and appreciated our bond just a little bit more. Some of these faces, I knew, would be sitting at my wedding, and I theirs. We are a family - high disfunctional, yes - but none the less, a family, and no matter where we all are in life, we will always be there for each other. It is the most comforting feeling I have ever experienced. I love my frenchies. :)

my family is slowly unravelling at the seams. after having a great night out with some old friends, i get home to find out my father has been ranting about nonesense again...this time coming to the conclusion that he no longer wants any part of our lives. obviously, nobody's life is perfect, and parents do split up. for the most part, i think i'm actually more surprised (and thankful!) that my parents have stayed together as long as they have. you see, my dad is an alcoholic; a crazy drunk. not including the aggravations my mum experienced before my siblings and i were born, we have had some pretty rough years dealing with his disease. through it all there were many, what seemed at the time, threats that he would pack up and leave. i will forever remember one in specific. i was four, my brother only two....my dad came in to our rooms late into the night...or maybe it was early in the morning...and asked us if we wanted to go for a car ride. wanting only to spend time with my dad, and even at such a young age, understand why he was so sad, we got into the car bundled in our pj's and blankies. slowly drifting in out of sleep, the three of us drove around the streets of scarborough snuggled in to the front seat of my dad's prized crown vic. it was no until i had heard my father crying, that i realized we had stopped. crawling into his lap, i whispered it was time to go home. we sat together for a while, but eventually returned home and were tucked in tight.
that was the first, and last time i recall my dad ever leaving...or attempting to anyways. he is a man who rarely shares his thoughts or worries. he has so much bouncing off the walls of his brain, i often wonder how he hasn't simply drove himself nuts. for him, i think that the drink is his escape, or attempt to escape what is on his mind. there is no excuse, of course, for his actions. although he has never layed a hand on any of us, there are words that have been said, promises broken that have forever scarred my easily bruised heart. i want to love him with out any reservations, but trying to understand him, his disease, his thought process sometimes makes me crazier than he is at his worst.
my mum confided in me with this new information. after all the kids had left, he dropped his "decision" like a ticking bomb into her lap. apparently, he has said many things along these same lines in the past...and my mum feels he is just trying to clear his head of what he knows is nonesense. she has a thick skin my mum...she's been through alot, and i love her to death for what she has put up with over the past 25 years, just so her kids would have a 'whole' home. i would do anything to protect her, from any challenge or confrontation. she doesn't need to fight anymore.
as much as i detest my father, i never want him to leave. i love him...he is my daddy. there are two forms of loss...losing a parent through divorce, or losing them through death. because of the wedge that is constantly being shoved between us, losing my father to divorce, or seperation, would be torture. on his own, the disease would only progress, pushing me further away. knowing he was out there, but that i never saw him would kill me slowly from the inside out.
i have to keep my happy face on....keep a strong front for my mum...my brother...my sister. for someone who doesn't have much faith in the man upstairs, i am praying we make it through this.