Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I had decided it would be over. I could control myself, and we could just be friends. He has a family, after all. What was I thinking?? It wasn't that my conscience had caught up with me - I muted that a long time ago. The chemistry was too strong, and he's a charmer. True - I started this whole mess, with what had been intended as innocent flirting. But, then again, is any flirtation really innocent? Regardless, it was time to cut the strings. No more funny business. No more almost affair - after all, you can't have an affair if you don't have feelings...and even if you do have those feelings, ignoring them pretty much means they don't exist. Besides, after two dates and more text messages than I can count, I am really starting to like Nick. None of this is fair to him.
Snuggled down for the night, after a great date with Nick, I tuned in to the semi-good finale of Late Night with Conan O'Brien. My phone lit up, stating one new message had arrived. It was him - not Nick. Okay, no problem. A few quick texts back and forth, and I'll say good night.
Okay, so more than a few texts later, and we're talking on the phone. For some reason, he is the only person I don't mind talking on the phone with....I wonder why that is...not important right now. I am exhausted, and at the point of wondering what I am still on the phone. Then, he starts. Like a snake charmer playing his flute, he speaks using soft words and sweet sayings, hypnotizing me. I forget about my earlier declaration and fall. It's 4:30am, and I am in my car, driving to his house, because he really, really wants to see me. On the way over, reality sets in and brings me out of the daze - What am I doing?? The thought is barely out of my head when my phone rings - he's wondering where I am; he needs to see me.
Battling to keep the door firmly shut on my own feelings, I pull up to his house but refuse to go in. Instead, I suggest we go for a drive. Too many lures are inside that house. We drive for an hour, and when I start to head back, he asks me to stop the car. Knowing nothing good would come of this, I stopped the car, turned off the ignition. Adjusting in my seat to face him, he looks straight ahead and blurts out he has feelings for me. Feelings he doesn't know what to do with, because he knows we should just be friends. Not knowing what else to say, I hold on to the second part of his statement, and start to reassure him we are just friends, and all the...physical interaction...will stop. I look away, close my eyes and silently will myself to believe what I am saying. Everything is harder when he is right there..when I can so easily touch him. Control yourself!! I open my eyes and look at him. His face is right there, and without a chance to think, he is kissing me like his sole purpose is to kiss me. Never, have I ever, been kisses like that before. Yikes, I am in trouble here...we are in trouble here. The kissing continued, for how long I couldn't say, and I didn't care. I didn't want it to stop. We didn't move past the kissing, and once it did stop, I started the car and headed back towards his house without saying anything. We were uncharacteristically quite the ride home, and when he got out of the car, I wanted to follow, but stayed, buckled in for more reasons than safety.
I drove back to my house, thinking of him, thinking of Nick. What the hell was going on in my head? I didn't even want to start trying to figure out my heart. Arriving at home, I got back in to bed and tried to sleep. Restless, I lay there trying not to think. My phone lit up - he was calling me. Battling against better judgement, I answered and we talked until the sun came up - 7:30am. Nothing in particular was brought up. There was no more talk of feelings, or anything intense. Just chit chat. Hanging up the phone, for some reason, felt somewhat of a closed chapter with him. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew something change.
I woke up on Saturday with an unexplainable urge to talk to Nick. Up until now, I hadn't figured out my feelings for him, but they pointed clear now. I am in like, and do not want to ruin this for anything. As I got ready to go out with friends, I closed the door, locked the latch and tucked away the key to my feelings for him.
My new feelings, for the new guy are meant for a clean, new start. I am going to put everything I've got in to making this work.

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