Sarah's Squib

Manic Monday

2009-04-06T08:59:00.002-04:00

How often do you change your toothbrush?

I don't know! Never really thought of it...at least every two months I guess. Or around there...I can't stand when the bristles start to go wonky.

What is your favorite item of clothing to shop for?

If you're really going to make me pick just one item, it's going to have to be underwear! LOVE shopping for the under garments. They're all just so cute, and fun!

Do you use social media (Twitter, Facebook, etc.)? Which do you use most often?

Facebook would be what I use most often...although, I don't log on half as much as I used to. Just joined Twitter, haven't really caught on to what all the hype is about...but it keeps me occupied during slow points at work!

Manic Monday!

2009-03-23T10:15:00.002-04:00

Do you screen your phone calls?

All the time!! It may seem rude, maybe even detached...but I'm not a big phone-talker. I much prefer text messaging, and e-mails! Avoids all awkward silences, as well as the possibility of getting into a conversation that I do not want to be a part of. Usually though, I only screen numbers I don't recognize, or people I don't talk to on a regular basis. If it's important, they'll leave a voicemail!

When was the last time you lost your temper?

Now, this depends on how you define 'temper'. I tend to lose my temper quite easily - I am a redhead afterall! Losing my temper can come in different levels though...I can get ticked off or annoyed, which the last time that happened would have been Friday night, and it puts me in a foul mood where I can be quite the miserable bitch! Or, I can throw an absolute fit - consisting of screaming, sometimes tears, and pretty much every curse word you can think of - but it usually takes a lot to get me to that point. Thankfully, this hasn't happened in while (which I'm sure anyone close to me is relieved by).

When you're lost, do you ask for directions?

I am constantly getting lost - I have even been known to get lost driving home from my own cottage!! Sad, but true...so, yes, I am always asking for directions. Mainly, from my Dad, who is my own, live, GPS system!

Manic Monday

2009-03-16T12:18:00.002-04:00

Are you a saver or spender?
I am definitely a spender. As I am writing this, I am already planning what I am going to buy with my paycheck this week. I am trying to be a saver though. I opened a savings account, and will transfer whatever extra I can to start building it up...even it's only a couple of dollars. I'm learning.

Do you prefer to walk around barefoot in your home? Socks? Shoes?
I prefer to be barefoot 24/7. If it were possible, not only would I be barefoot in my home, but I would be barefoot outside, in my car, in the grocery store - EVERYWHERE! Thankfully, I own flip flops in every possible colour, which allows me to be as close to barefoot as possible!

Do you talk to yourself?
All the time. Sometimes, I talk to myself in french too. There are one million and one thoughts flying through my mind everyday. Talking to myself calms me down, helps me think clearly, helps me make decisions. If sometimes, it happens to be in french, it's just because I'm fancy like that!!

Manic Monday

2009-03-09T10:44:00.002-04:00

What would you do with an extra hour each day?

My first reaction is to say I would sleep...but that seems like a waste of an extra hour. Instead, I would try to spend it with friends, or family. I am truly happy when surrounded by the people I care about, and I think that that would be a better use of extra time!

Do you wear a watch? If so, tell us about it. If not, how do you keep track of time?

I haven't worn a watch since I was eleven, or twelve years old..and it was a purple, digital Timex. Now, I either use my desktop at work, clock-radio in the car, or my cell phone to remind me of the time.

If it was possible, would you want to know how many days you had left to live?

Absolutely not!! For me, I think that would be too depressing. I would much rather enjoy my time, dreaming of what's to come next, instead of knowing I was on the clock to live my life.

Manic Monday

2009-03-02T09:34:00.002-05:00

I had such a good weekend...I don't even mind being back to work this Monday morning!!

If I was a car, I'd be:
A bright red Nissan Versa, obviously!! Dependable, sporty and cute!

If I was a drink, I'd be:
Something tasty, and fruity with a slight kick to it - like a rasberry martini. ;)

If I was emotion, I'd be:
Contentment - to be satisfied with what I have, or am...to not want more, or anything else.

2009-02-25T10:57:00.003-05:00

I had decided it would be over. I could control myself, and we could just be friends. He has a family, after all. What was I thinking?? It wasn't that my conscience had caught up with me - I muted that a long time ago. The chemistry was too strong, and he's a charmer. True - I started this whole mess, with what had been intended as innocent flirting. But, then again, is any flirtation really innocent? Regardless, it was time to cut the strings. No more funny business. No more almost affair - after all, you can't have an affair if you don't have feelings...and even if you do have those feelings, ignoring them pretty much means they don't exist. Besides, after two dates and more text messages than I can count, I am really starting to like Nick. None of this is fair to him.
Snuggled down for the night, after a great date with Nick, I tuned in to the semi-good finale of Late Night with Conan O'Brien. My phone lit up, stating one new message had arrived. It was him - not Nick. Okay, no problem. A few quick texts back and forth, and I'll say good night.
Okay, so more than a few texts later, and we're talking on the phone. For some reason, he is the only person I don't mind talking on the phone with....I wonder why that is...not important right now. I am exhausted, and at the point of wondering what I am still on the phone. Then, he starts. Like a snake charmer playing his flute, he speaks using soft words and sweet sayings, hypnotizing me. I forget about my earlier declaration and fall. It's 4:30am, and I am in my car, driving to his house, because he really, really wants to see me. On the way over, reality sets in and brings me out of the daze - What am I doing?? The thought is barely out of my head when my phone rings - he's wondering where I am; he needs to see me.
Battling to keep the door firmly shut on my own feelings, I pull up to his house but refuse to go in. Instead, I suggest we go for a drive. Too many lures are inside that house. We drive for an hour, and when I start to head back, he asks me to stop the car. Knowing nothing good would come of this, I stopped the car, turned off the ignition. Adjusting in my seat to face him, he looks straight ahead and blurts out he has feelings for me. Feelings he doesn't know what to do with, because he knows we should just be friends. Not knowing what else to say, I hold on to the second part of his statement, and start to reassure him we are just friends, and all the...physical interaction...will stop. I look away, close my eyes and silently will myself to believe what I am saying. Everything is harder when he is right there..when I can so easily touch him. Control yourself!! I open my eyes and look at him. His face is right there, and without a chance to think, he is kissing me like his sole purpose is to kiss me. Never, have I ever, been kisses like that before. Yikes, I am in trouble here...we are in trouble here. The kissing continued, for how long I couldn't say, and I didn't care. I didn't want it to stop. We didn't move past the kissing, and once it did stop, I started the car and headed back towards his house without saying anything. We were uncharacteristically quite the ride home, and when he got out of the car, I wanted to follow, but stayed, buckled in for more reasons than safety.
I drove back to my house, thinking of him, thinking of Nick. What the hell was going on in my head? I didn't even want to start trying to figure out my heart. Arriving at home, I got back in to bed and tried to sleep. Restless, I lay there trying not to think. My phone lit up - he was calling me. Battling against better judgement, I answered and we talked until the sun came up - 7:30am. Nothing in particular was brought up. There was no more talk of feelings, or anything intense. Just chit chat. Hanging up the phone, for some reason, felt somewhat of a closed chapter with him. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew something was..needed..to change.
I woke up on Saturday with an unexplainable urge to talk to Nick. Up until now, I hadn't figured out my feelings for him, but they pointed clear now. I am in like, and do not want to ruin this for anything. As I got ready to go out with friends, I closed the door, locked the latch and tucked away the key to my feelings for him.
My new feelings, for the new guy are meant for a clean, new start. I am going to put everything I've got in to making this work.

Manic Monday

2009-02-23T12:40:00.002-05:00

What's one of the simple pleasures in your life?
The relationship I share with my Mum. She is such a wonderful person, and supports me regardless of what decisions I make...good or bad. She will always offer her opinion, of course, but understands that I am my own person and respects my need to do things my own way. I share anything and everything with her. I would be lost without my mum. She is my best friend, and not a lot of people can say that about one of their parents. I am thankful everyday to have her.

What do you like to snack on when you watch a movie?
Movies watched at home are accompanied by any snack I'm craving at the time...it could be anything from a peanut butter & honey sandwhich to cheese & crackers. If I'm at the theater, popcorn is a definite must - with butter, not Becel..ick - and Milkduds. I can never remember which movie I saw it in, but the character added Milkduds to her popcorn..I tried it, and it's amazing!!! Buttery, chocolatey, crunchy and chewy! Savory and Sweet..it's the best snack!! Seriously...try it!!

If you were a Survivor contestant, what would be your luxury item?
Ha ha...I would so fail on Survivor...but, if I were to be a contestant, my cell phone would be the first choice, but the chances of having an reception are unlikely. So, I would probably bring my iPod. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't listen to music - I think I would go through withdrawals without my music.

Friday Fill-Ins

2009-02-20T09:10:00.003-05:00

1. Give me a chance and I'll do my best not to let you down.

2. Whenever there is something plaguing my mind, I retract from the world and hide in my bed.

3. I wish you weren't stuck in my head - I wish I could just say good-bye.

4. Tuesday's dinner - Salmon kabobs with wild rice and peppers - was the last thing I ate that was utterly delicious.

5. To live in this world, is a constant battle between 'good' and 'bad'.

6. Other than this one, Charlene's is the last blog I commented on.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to date number two with Nick, tomorrow my plans include (hopefully) sleeping in and a friends birthday dinner and Sunday I plan to study, and go to the gym.

Manic Monday

2009-02-09T13:12:00.002-05:00

I love finding cute writing prompts - I feel better writing how I'm feeling or what has been going on in my life, but don't always know how to put it into words. The writing prompts open the window, either getting my creative juices flowing for a seperate post, just giving me the opening I had been searching for to express myself without rambling.

What is your favorite candy?
I'm a fan of chocolate - who isn't, really? - but my absolute favorite candy are Sour Cherry Blasters. My fabulous cousin brough them to me when I was 7 years old, in the hospital with a severly broken arm. I have loved them ever since. Yum!

Name one thing that you'd want to receive as a gift for Valentine's day.
Valentine's day, I find, is the hardest "holiday" to shop for. If I had to choose an ideal gift, I think I would request a letter written by my significant other. I'm not big on mushy gushy stuff, but a letter explaining why me would be very special. Flowers never hurt either.

Can we truly love someone who loves another?
Absolutely. True love is to love someone for who they are, not how they feel for your, or for another. If they are flawed in not returning your love, you still love them despite it.
Where there is true love, there will always be pain.

He would not stay for me, and who can wonder?
He would not stay for me to stand and gaze.
I shook his hand and tore my heart in sunder
And went with half my life about my ways.

A track out of my lifes soundtrack...

2009-01-29T08:54:00.003-05:00

I cannot live without music. I simply can't function without it. My iPod travels everywhere with me, and there are always CD's packed into my car - which makes me very thankful for my new, 6 CD changer! - Some days, I am happy with whatever is playing on the radio. Other days - like today - a mood will strike I will aboslutely have to listen to a particular song, or artist, at full, speaker thumping, ear blasting volume. Today, it was Billy Joel. How I love Billy Joel. Piano Man will forever be my favourite song by this artist, but this morning as I drove to the subway station, another one of his songs connected with me. I can't explain why - not yet at least - but it just made so much sense, and helped me carry a smile all the way into work.

You May be Right

Friday night I crashed your party
Saturday I said I'm sorry
Sunday came and trashed me out again
I was only having fun
Wasn't hurting anyone
And we all enjoyed the weekend for a change

I've been stranded in the combat zone
I walked through Bedford Stuy alone
Even rode my motorcycle in the rain
And you told me not to drive
But I made it home alive
So you said that only proves that I'm insane

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just might be a lunatic you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

Remember how I found you there
Alone in your electric chair
I told you dirty jokes until you smiled
You were lonely for a man
I said take me as I am
'Cause you might enjoy some madness for awhile

Now think of all the years you tried to
Find someone to satisfy you
I might be as crazy as you say
If I'm crazy then it's true
That it's all because of you
And you wouldn't want me any other way

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
It's too late to fight
It's too late to change me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just might be a lunatic you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

You may be wrong, but you may be right
You may be wrong, but you may be right

If you haven't heard this song before, download it - buy the cd - just listen! It's a classic, amongst many others, by Billy Joel.

Friday Fill-ins

2009-01-23T16:31:00.003-05:00

Stolen! :) Happy Friday!

1. Oh, I am so excited!! And..little bits nervous.
2. Lately, life is full of changes, big and little.
3. During the week, I am known as 'Serious Sarah'.
4. Someone actually shouted out "Do fries come with that shake" to me today; are you kidding me???
5. Right now I'd like to be on my way home for the weekend.
6. My iPod is my favorite gadget.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to going out with some great friends, tomorrow my plans include making homemade Chinese food and going on a 'date' and Sunday, I'm making coconut cream tarts for my mummy's birthday!!

Never saw it coming...

2009-01-22T16:22:00.005-05:00

The weekend is upon us!

Twenty-four hours ago, I had absolutely no plans for the weekend...Aside from having my aunt and uncle on Saturday and making Chinese food - yes, I said making..not ordering - I had a fairly relaxed couple of days on the horizon. Normally, when looking forward to a quite break from the work week, I will do everything in my power to keep it so, but..

I have a date! :) Sort of. Well, I think it's a date. To tell you the truth, I haven't been on a "date" since high school, so I really have no clue what a date consists of these days. Let me break it down...I met this guy through the boyfriend of my best friend. Luckily her boyfriend is one of my good friends, and I get along with the majority of his friends as well. This is the third one of his friends that he has tried to set me up with...

The first, was fun for a month during the summer, but we just didn't click We ended up to be friends in the end, which is great!

The second - we danced together once, where he smelt my hair and after asking what shampoo I used, decided it was o.k. to share that he was a user of Head and Shoulders. Cue to exit.

So, now we are on to bachelor number three. When originally introduced to him, it was just as friends, and I had never given him much thought. In a group, we went to bars together, out for wings and beer, out for dinner. New Years rolled around, and it ended up being myself, the bff, her bf and bachelor #3. We had a great time!! Since then, we've seen each other in more group get-togethers, but I have always viewed him as a friend. All of this changed on Wednesday night...

I got a text message from him, asking if I would like to go a party with him Saturday night.
I panicked, lol, and immediately closed that message and sent a text to the bff. Never got an answer!!!

So, left to figure this out solo, I agreed to go, thinking I would drive and if worse comes to worse, could leave if I wasn't having any fun.

Yesterday was just one of those days I knew was not going to be productive...at least not where my job was concerned! Since I still hadn't heard from the bff, I sent her an e-mail. In her reply, she was very excited to hear about this new development with Bachelor#3, and insisted that I say yes to him. Good thing I already did. We spent the majority of the day chatting over e-mail, disecting what this 'date' meant. According to her, and her bf, and the previous bachelor#2..none of which are supposed to be talking about this...it's legit and bachelor#3 was really in to me.

Oh - well. This changes things. In between e-mails, I spent the rest of my time pretending to work, but really trying to figure out how I felt about all of this. Bachelor#3 is a really fun guy...he makes me laugh. I'm not a big fan of his hair, but we can change that later. He doesn't have a hairy face - big plus for him there. Hmm...maybe we could be more than buddies. Maybe, I'm a little excited about this new development.

So - now I have a weekend jammed packed with plans! Bachelor#3 is in a band, who has a show tonight, which we are now all going to. Saturday, we have our 'date' and then will meet up with the bff and her bf afterwards. I'm nervous about this 'date'. Ah!!

WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR??

Just one of those mornings..

2009-01-21T08:48:00.003-05:00

Having a bad day...and it's only 8:48am!!!
Started with somehow sleeping through my extremely obnoxious alarm to find myself waking up at 6:16am....16 minutes AFTER I'm supposed to be in my car, on my way to work. Excellent!
Got on the subway..which I know some people don't understand how or why, but I usually love taking it. Not this morning. Due to being late, it was a hell of a lot busier and people coughed, sneezed, yawned and stuck their armpits in my face. WTF people?? So rude!
Got to work, at 8:18am....18 minutes AFTER I start...even more excellent. Threw on some make up...normally I wouldn't even care, but one look in the bathroom mirror and I cringed...imagine what other people are going to think??
Made my oatmeal, and so far the only good thing today, met a very nice dude named Allan who is here from our Vancouver office. Chatted with him, returned to my desk with my oatmeal. Yummy :).
Took a sip of water...spilt it all down the front of my white blouse, which leaked through my white tank top, which has now revealed my purple bra. EXCELLENT!
Bah! Is it too late to decide to call in sick today??

Now that I have vented all of the horrendous drama that has occured in less than three hours, I realize it may seem minimal to some - but I have a downpacked routine every morning...when that routine goes south, so does my attitude. Doesn't help that the girls that I usually vent my frustrations to and laugh about afterwards aren't in the office today. Boo. Guess I am going to have to grin and bare it...let's just hope that the printer doesn't jam, or my stapler plays nice. Otherwise, it's D-Day for them!!

Lil' bits excited!

2009-01-19T15:56:00.002-05:00

Although I have only been at my new job for just over two months, I am absolutely loving it and can't wait to learn as much as possible. It was frustrating for me in my first weeks here, as I had to depend on other people to help me get my work done. I made it my goal to practice, and learn to do this independently so that my account executives could depend on me, and feel comfortable with sending work directly to my inbox, as opposed to copying me in on an e-mail to one of my trainer's. Being new to this industry - the insurance industry - I know very little, especially when it comes to certain terminology, rules, etc. Browsing through our on-line employee portal, I came across a section entirely devoted to industry based training. I glanced through it, but didn't pay much attention, as I figured it wouldn't apply to me..I had only been there a month or so. A few weeks later, during my employee appraisal, I found out that I did not have to wait at all to further my education within the company. I immediately logged back on to the portal and read all the information provided for the LOMA courses. There are eight of them, and once (and if) I complete them all, I will have earned my FLMI. I enrolled for my first course - LOMA280 Principles of Insurance: Life, Health & Annuities. Sounds thrilling, I know - but I am so EXCITED! Who knew, Sarah Spiller, would ever EVER be excited about school! lol I know that this will take a lot of studying, and some serious will power on my part to get through the course info and pass my exam in May, but I can't wait to get started. With this course, I hope to pass in May and register for the next, eventually building my way all the way up to CEBS and moving my way up through the company.
I haven't worked out a ten year plan, but it's something I'm looking forward to working out. Heck, I'll be thrilled to have a 2 year plan.. ha ha ha. Wish me luck!!

Better than ever!

2009-01-08T11:19:00.002-05:00

Having not been on my blog for quite some time, I took a quick read through past posts, and couldn't believe how sad and miserable I was. I deleted a few posts, although I know it's a no-no...but they were just too depressing. Thankfully, my first post of the New Year is on a positive note!

In November '08, I started a new job! I was extremely excited to be taking the next step in my adult life, as I somewhat felt that my previous job wasn't giving me enough responsibility, or sense of maturity. I worked in a home office, in a very relaxed atmosphere where part of my daily routine would be to browse through facebook, text message my friends and watch TV. I felt like I was still in high school, playing hooky. Most of all - it was boring! My new job keeps me busy and has my days flying past. I love the work that I am doing, the people in my office, and the general atmosphere here. I have only been here for two months, but received my first employee appraisal at the end of 2008. I was nervous going in to the meeting with my team leader and supervisor, as I had NEVER experienced something like this, and really did not know what to expect. Within minutes I let out the breath I hadn't realized was being held, and found out that my superiors were more than pleased with my addition to the team, and couldn't believe how well adapted I had become in such a short period of time. I was thrilled!! Today, as my probation is officially through by the end of the week, I signed up for my first industry-based training course. I am so excited to start learning more, and eventually have the possibility of moving up in the company. All of the opportunities and advantages that so many people are accustomed to, are brand new for me and I can't wait to get my hands on it all! Wish me luck :)

Outside of work, and because of it really, life in general has been excellent! I feel so much more at ease, and feel that my stress levels have decreased enormously. I'm finally becoming financially stable, which since I have been working full time from the age of 19, is quite overdue. This alone took away probably 50% of what I usually stressed out about. It's amazing how much better you feel, when you know things are taken care of. My biggest worry is gone. I can't necessarily be carefree, but I'm comfortable, and that's the best I can ask for right now. I bought a new car, which was very exciting for me, and literally will drive anywhere you ask me to. It's been so much fun. I've reconnected with my friends, spending more time with those I had lost touch with, and making new ones along the way. I've lost relationships with some great people along this long road too, and it still makes me sad to think of how things could have turned out in some situations...but...I don't want to dwell on the past anymore. What is done, is done, and I only have good thoughts for 2009. I have been telling myself that I am going to lose weight for almost 2 years now, yet never stuck to a strict regime, or put any real effort in. With my new job, came a new sense of myself, and I'm glad to say I've finally worked out a schedule that works for me and is helping me achieve long overdue goals.

The title of this post explains it all - things are better than ever, and I couldn't be happier.
Happy 2009 everyone! I hope the year is as good for you as I am planning mine to be!!

2008-07-03T07:45:00.002-04:00

I received an e-mail yesterday, that completely broke my heart all the while opening my eyes to a reality I was refusing to face. Death. Clearly, being twenty-one years old, I know that death is an unavoidable part of the life cycle, taking from us that of which we care most - our loved ones. The e-mail I received referred to the dash between a birth date and death date on a tombstone...that this dash was our life lived between those dates, and then went on to point out how important it is to live your life, love your life - love the ones around you, let grudges go.

I believe I have the world record for holding a grudge. From the time of being a child, most likely around the age of 7 or 8, I formed a grudge against one of the people I truly love the most...my dad. Although still young, the disease of alcoholism consumed him, slowly trying to corrupt my happiness as well. It succeeded on numerous occassions. I've written posts in the past, describing the anger and hurt I have held inside for all of these, due to the disease my father battles with each and every day...but I don't believe I've ever written about how amazing a man my dad really is.

He is smart - Dad can give you a logical, composed answer for nearly any question you shoot at him. It still amazes me how much information he retains; he is like a sponge, just soaking it up. I used to think I was so clever, thinking up "complicated" math equations for him to solve. Within seconds I had the correct answer I had spent so much time calculatin on paper, where as he simply pulled it out of his brain.
He is strong - both physically and emotionally, I will forever depend on my Dad for his strength. Not only is he handy for when that stubborn jar refuses to open...he is my personal kleenex box. Many of his shirts have seen the storm my tears create, yet he simply would sit there and hug me. The first time one of my loved ones passed away, I felt as though my world was ending - how could it be? As I layed in bed, soaking my pillow case with snot and tears, Dad came in, sat on the floor next to the bed and explained with patience the why's, and what he believed happened after death. He stayed with me until I fell asleep, and was right there when I woke up and realized it was all still true. To this day, after 21 years, he is still there. Solid as ever, patient as always.
He is thoughtful - I could have been the cruelest bitch to him, and if he thought I would enjoy something, needed comforting, my favorite snack would then be in the fridge...my car would be fixed...I would have a new toy. Not simply with me though - My father takes care of everybody. He turns away no favor asked, forgets no favor done for him. His heart, is amazingly large, and I completely take advantage.

I have been angry and hurt - I still am angry and hurt. There are things my father says, does, thinks...that I will always be bewildered by. I still become enraged over his drinking, and I don't appreciate the way he handles situations, or speaks to my mother. Regardless of the negativity, I love him with every ounce of me. The e-mail I previously referred to, had been from him, and it broke my heart to think...I don't tell him that I love him even close to how much I really do. If he were to die tomorrow...and that thought immediately brings an abundance of tears to well in my eyes...would he know that I cherish him? Would he know that I would be lost with out him? I fear everyday of losing him. My dad's addictive personality has given him two of the worst bad habbits, and my mind is plagued with the thought that they might be what kills him.

I put on a strong front, and I will say my dad and I don't have a close relationship due to his drinking...and that is the truth. We're not as close as I wish we could be. Putting that aside, I look up to my father. I depend on his presence to re-assure myself that I'm safe, that everything is going to be o.k. The forward he sent everyone as a "in case you hadn't though about it", not only made me think, but opened my eyes to the fact that life is too short, and the people surrounding me are too precious.

I love you, Dad...just in case you didn't know.

2008-06-18T17:48:00.003-04:00

I could see straight into the house across the road - a light embrace before the lights were turned out, the couple turning in for the night.

I adjusted the sheer curtain so that I could see out the window, feel the breeze whisper through the open screen. Crawling in to bed, the cold cotton floated around my legs...a sensation I look forward to each night. i rested my head on the plush pillow, facing the sky. There is no moon tonight, and I try lose myself in the mixture of velvety blue and swirls of grey cloud. Rolling into a more comfortable position, my left arm falls across the empty space next to me. An overwhelming feeling of loneliness washed over me. I quickly push it away. It isn't often I feel this way, and perhaps that is why the emotion comes on so strongly. Regardless, I fight it...never quite ridding myself of the longing for someone elses company. I close my eyes, hoping the darkness will soother me, lull me to sleep. I wait a minute, then two - nothing. I am wide awake and haunted.

2008-06-17T11:35:00.002-04:00

Blah. That's my word of the day...it describes the weather, my job, my mood, everything. Just, blah. Nothing appeals to me these days...all I want to do is crawl in to bed and forget that there is a world out there. Why do I feel this way? That's the questions I've been asking myself since last week....why?? I don't have the finest idea what has gotten in to me, because up until a couple of days ago, I was having one of the best summers ever! Things were going to plan, everything was happy, care free - FUN! Then, like the blink of an eye, it seemed to disappear. It's natural for me to panic, or over think situations because I'm lame that way....but I feel as though I've lost connection with my most favorite people, and I don't know how to get it back. Things are awkward.
Lately, I've been looking back on the last couple years of my life thinking, I've made the right decisions by moving on from people in my past. The question that plagues me though, is when will I find the people that I will never have to move on from? Obviously, there will always be characters in the soap opera I live through day to day, that will come and go...but isn't there going to be anyone who just stays put...who I will always be able to depend on? Yikes - I'm feeling rather insecure...never blog while insecure. Then again, if I followed that rule...I wouldn't have posted my first blog.

2008-05-26T02:53:00.002-04:00

during my high school years, i was notorious for being the party girl, who didn't have a care in the world, and would do anything after a couple of drinks. after leaving high school, i, thankfully, quickly grew out of feeling the need to continuously impress others and simply began to live my life as i chose to, when i chose to, how i chose to. i am still the same girl, but have begun drinking and partying heavily again, making one or two not-so-good decisions. i completely adore all of the new people that have come in to my life, and how each of them has a different impact on me from the other....but i fear that if I continue with the on going good-times vibe of this, then I will end up back in the days that I was 17, crying because of the horrible things I had done while under the influence.

I witnessed a relationship break up, solely to due being intoxicated and not making the judgement call that maybe this isn't such a good idea. thankfully, i didn't personally have anything to do with this particular situation, but again, am afraid that if i continue at the speed i'm set at, cruising down this road, eventually i am going to meet that wall, and crash head first.

so - my decision here would be, leave these new people, these new friends, and go back to being lonely, bored and unhappy and have a guarantee of staying out of trouble....or, stick around, have the time of my life, and see what happens, risking the possibility of awakening the spirit of the crazy girl that lives inside of me.

oh..the dilemma's of being twenty...

2008-05-02T09:44:00.003-04:00

Listening to Purple Rain, I walked to work through the gloomy air of the day. As the lyrics poored through my senses, I was overcome with a feeling of remorse, causing tears to well in my eyes. Feeling ridiculous, I blinked them away quickly and held my head a little higher. Three years ago, this time of year, I broke the heart of someone I truly cared about, and know that I will never forgive myself for the way I treated him. If it had been a simple break up do to feelings no longer felt, I doubt I would be thinking of him today. Unfortunately, due to my extreme immaturity at the time and an outlook on life that was severely selfish, I was unfaithful to him in the worst kind of way. I did not sleep with anyone else, but other incidents occured, and I think it would have been easier on him if I had just slept with someone else. I was a bitch in high school, and at times prided myself on that. Not with him. Not with this. The day he found out; the hope of hearing this wasn't true, mixed with raw agony floated in his teared eyes. I, could no longer lie. I felt as though my world had suddenly crashed around my feet, apologizing as if the 'repeat' button had been pressed. While at the time my actions, my decisions, seemed careless and wild - now I could see were disgustingly tragic.
Although he and I are great friends today, it took us a very long time to get here. He has said it's forgotten, but I refuse to forget. I'm ashamed that within these past three years, I have not taken the time to apologize, just once more, in fear that it would cause our friendship to crumble. Now, because of how we are together, if I were to bring it up, he would think I was still in love with him. The thought of that actually makes me smile...you would have to know to him to understand. In a way, because of who he is, I do love him. I would do anything for him, although I think it's hard for him to know that sometimes. I will carry my guilt forever, in my mind and heart; but I am not complaining. If guilt is all I suffer after what I have done, then I am lucky.

2008-04-29T10:47:00.002-04:00

So far, so good.

I finally kicked my lazy personality to the curb and am living and eating healthier. Although it may seem I am starting out slow, making only minor changes - to me, these are HUGE changes in my day to day routine. Instead of sleeping in until the absolute last possible moment before having to get up and go to work, I am now out of bed by 6:20am. I walk the dogs for half an hour, then return home to get ready for work.

I have also changed my eating habits!! This, I won't lie, has been the hardest to accomplish. Being a snacker, a nibbler...I had very bad habits of eating constently through out the day, choosing the not-so-healthy options. As of yesterday, I am following a meal plan suited for my appropriate calorie intake and only eat what is specified for each day.

Getting started on this was a little discouraging, because as part of figuring out your meal plan, you have to enter in information such as your age, height and weight. In return you are given your BMI (Body Mass Index) and what your calorie intake should be to maintain this weight. I was quite upset by the fact that, being over weight...I'm accounted for as "obese" under the eyes of the Ministry of Health. AWESOME........ Regardless, I sucked it up and continued forward, dragging my mum and sister along with me!! I don't know how serious they have taken any of this, but I have made a vow to myself to stick to it - and I plan to. I will say though, it's rather easy...almost too easy. The most tedious part, is preparing your meals, because you have to actually weigh and measure all your portions. But in the end, it's worth it. Well, I hope it will be worth it!

I aimed for a meal plan designed for lower calorie in take, in hopes to lose weight, not maintain the one I'm currently carrying. As I said, it has only been one day...only 13 left to go. From what I can see and how I feel, I am completely satisfied. The meal plan allows for three meals a day, with morning, afternoon and evening snack. Of course, I am eating much less than what I was taking in before, but can already feel myself adjusting. And, if I feel those "hunger" pains in between snacks or meals, I chug down some water and fill the whole. Keep your fingers crossed for me...I'm looking for a whole new Sarah!

2008-04-18T09:49:00.002-04:00

It was 9:55pm, and I was driving home from school with both my car windows rolled all the way down. This...this is what I love. Always expecting a cooler air as I emerge from the stuffy halls of my school, last night I was greeted with a pleasant, warmer breeze. Getting into my car, I took the long way home, enjoying the solitary drive. As I went further east, home to Ajax, I could feel the air become cooler as I drove further towards the lake. It reminded me so much of those wonderful nights up north....

The cool breeze drifts over the lake, and through my window, carrying the scent of true fresh air. I lay in the dark with a smile upon my face, listening to the rain pitter patter against the aluminum eavesdrop. After this past week, I am glad to be away of the stress induced city. The cottage, although somewhat boring during the less exotic seasons, always brings a sense of peace within myself that I find to be so refreshing. I am drifting into sleep; a sleep I know will be the best I've had for month.

Another week has gone by, and it has been no less stressful than the last. Sadly, I do not have the cottage to escape to. Having spent all of last weekend up north, detached from the technology obsessed society that, I myself, have become addicted to, I found that it was rather refreshing! Relaxed with my thoughts, I realized I had lost about 4 inches of self confidence after having cut my hair a few weeks ago. Yet, at the same time, this same cut has empowered me with the want for change - serious change. I have finally weeded out all of the people in my life who were bringing me down, only surrounding myself with those who I truly respect, trust, and admire. It is these people - life long friends, close family members and relatives - that help me stay true to who I am, and who I want to be. I will always have doubts about myself, and I will always make mistake - as will all of us - but I know, at the end of the day, these people I hold so dear in my hear, are the ones who will still love me at the end of the day. This thought...this fact...has brought such uplifting confidence within myself, that I feel I can conquer anything!

Now..haha...let's just see if I stick to it!!!!

The Harmonizer

2008-04-02T11:02:00.005-04:00

LIBRA - The Harmonizer

Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible.

I received a chain letter in my inbox, listing all the attributes of each Zodiac sign. Myself, being a born late in September, am a Libra. Although I read my horoscope everyday, it is very, very rare to find it coinciding with my day to day life! That being said, you can imagine how surprised I was to find that every quality listed under Libra matched my personality to a "T". Some were obvious, such as very social, flirtatious, and procastinator...but there were also some that made me stop and think "Huh, I am, aren't I?" Qualities like hates to be alone, and that I give in too easily were not things I would have associated with Sarah Spiller before. The one attribute I did not see in myself was being very gullible, as I tend to be highly apprehensive about everything and everyone I come across. Other compliments like "very loving and beautiful" had me brushing past them, as it is my nature to disagree with anything positive said towards me. Regardless, reading the quick discription of the Libra made me appreciate who I am for ME, which is a very rare occurence. This helped me realize that I can be who I truly am, and that I don't have to conform to anyone else's likes, dislikes... I have always stated "Love me, or hate me I am never going to change" I think that it is about time I start to live up to my own moto!

2008-03-31T09:33:00.003-04:00

The cold breeze rustled the sheer curtains covering my window, carrying in the smell of rain. The smell of spring. Damp and musty, you can feel the earth soak it in, as if parched after the long winter. I stand at the window for a moment, overlooking my almost complete neighborhood - I am happy here. I turn off the music that would usually accompany me to sleep and leave checking my e-mail until the morning. All lights turned off, I crawl into my cool bed and lie in the dark, listening to the sweet song of rain. The roof of a car, the aluminum eavesdrop, the pile of wood at the curb, are natures instruments creating a beat so peaceful, I struggle to stay awake and listen.
Lying there, I think of all the amazing people in my life, and how these last couple of weeks I have been ecstatic! Being someone who finds it very easy to pick out my personal flaws and then beat myself over them, or remind myself of past occurences that I will never stop feeling guilt over, it has never been easy to truly feel happy. And although I can still see those flaws, still feel the guilt, I push them aside and have decided it best to enjoy life now, and worry about the negatives later. Of course, knowing me, something will happen within the next 48 hours causing me to completely change my current outlook...but if I can enjoy today, enjoy how I feel now, then the rest just doens't seem all that bad.

2008-03-25T09:26:00.002-04:00

I stood at my window, looking at nothing in particular, wondering "Why does it have to be this way?" Dad has just come home from being at the cottage after deciding not to take part in our annual Good Friday festivities. Down the stairs, the replay button has been pressed on my parents favorite argument -if my life were a musical, this would be the main chorus. It is hard carrying the feelings that I do towards my father - I completely disapprove of everything he represents, yet at the same time, my greatest fear is for him to leave me forever. I hold my breath each time something upsets him, praying that it won't be what packs his bags. I am twenty years old and yet think that if I am on my best behavior, everything will be o.k.

Despite the everyday drama, the rest of my weekend was FABULOUS! Saturday night was filled with loud music, flashing lights, loads of drinks and great friends. After multiple cancelations, Sara and I finally made it our to the bar together, and I hope that it isn't nearly as long a wait until the next time we get downtown. Last night was again, full of old friends. While a small group of us huddled together in the cold stands of the arena, the rest playfully harassed each other on the ice. As we caught up on each other's lives, I couldn't help but smile. Looking around, I took it all in and appreciated our bond just a little bit more. Some of these faces, I knew, would be sitting at my wedding, and I theirs. We are a family - high disfunctional, yes - but none the less, a family, and no matter where we all are in life, we will always be there for each other. It is the most comforting feeling I have ever experienced. I love my frenchies. :)

2008-03-18T09:34:00.000-04:00

my family is slowly unravelling at the seams. after having a great night out with some old friends, i get home to find out my father has been ranting about nonesense again...this time coming to the conclusion that he no longer wants any part of our lives. obviously, nobody's life is perfect, and parents do split up. for the most part, i think i'm actually more surprised (and thankful!) that my parents have stayed together as long as they have. you see, my dad is an alcoholic; a crazy drunk. not including the aggravations my mum experienced before my siblings and i were born, we have had some pretty rough years dealing with his disease. through it all there were many, what seemed at the time, threats that he would pack up and leave. i will forever remember one in specific. i was four, my brother only two....my dad came in to our rooms late into the night...or maybe it was early in the morning...and asked us if we wanted to go for a car ride. wanting only to spend time with my dad, and even at such a young age, understand why he was so sad, we got into the car bundled in our pj's and blankies. slowly drifting in out of sleep, the three of us drove around the streets of scarborough snuggled in to the front seat of my dad's prized crown vic. it was no until i had heard my father crying, that i realized we had stopped. crawling into his lap, i whispered it was time to go home. we sat together for a while, but eventually returned home and were tucked in tight.
that was the first, and last time i recall my dad ever leaving...or attempting to anyways. he is a man who rarely shares his thoughts or worries. he has so much bouncing off the walls of his brain, i often wonder how he hasn't simply drove himself nuts. for him, i think that the drink is his escape, or attempt to escape what is on his mind. there is no excuse, of course, for his actions. although he has never layed a hand on any of us, there are words that have been said, promises broken that have forever scarred my easily bruised heart. i want to love him with out any reservations, but trying to understand him, his disease, his thought process sometimes makes me crazier than he is at his worst.
my mum confided in me with this new information. after all the kids had left, he dropped his "decision" like a ticking bomb into her lap. apparently, he has said many things along these same lines in the past...and my mum feels he is just trying to clear his head of what he knows is nonesense. she has a thick skin my mum...she's been through alot, and i love her to death for what she has put up with over the past 25 years, just so her kids would have a 'whole' home. i would do anything to protect her, from any challenge or confrontation. she doesn't need to fight anymore.
as much as i detest my father, i never want him to leave. i love him...he is my daddy. there are two forms of loss...losing a parent through divorce, or losing them through death. because of the wedge that is constantly being shoved between us, losing my father to divorce, or seperation, would be torture. on his own, the disease would only progress, pushing me further away. knowing he was out there, but that i never saw him would kill me slowly from the inside out.
i have to keep my happy face on....keep a strong front for my mum...my brother...my sister. for someone who doesn't have much faith in the man upstairs, i am praying we make it through this.